My Rogue Nephew

Nov 29, 2010

Dear Dave,

Last summer I lent a favorite nephew of mine my old leather-bound copy of Photoshop. I figured what-the-hell, I don’t use it much anymore and he’s such a bright kid and all, so one afternoon I just gave it to him. Mind you, I warned him that Photoshop is a serious program and that not just any Tom, Dick, or Harry can use it.

He swore he’d be careful, and that he’d keep it locked up when his buddies came over to play board games and drink Cokes and such. Like I said, he’s a good kid and I trusted him.

Well - and you can almost see where this is leading - the next thing I know, he’s tearing up and down the Internet raising hell like some sort of drunken Shriner in a turbo-charged go-cart. He’s knocking out whale’s tails and cutting donuts right in from of the whole damned world and, as if that wasn’t bad enough, he’s outfitting his so-called “blog” (real blogs have readers, am I right?) with poorly-Photoshopped urinal pucks. You read me right, I said urinal pucks.

Seemingly overnight, he’d become a menace both to himself and to society… and all using my copy of Photoshop 3.0! All of a sudden, I was feeling a lot like the guy who told Darryl Hannah she could act.

Dave, I know this kid; he’ll never give my software back willingly. It’s gone to his head and I don’t think he even comprehends what he’s become. But I feel responsible somehow for the carnage he’s causing out there, and I’m hoping you might help me think of a way to bring this madness to an end.


Wishing I’d Just Given Him a Shotgun Instead in Gunbarrel

Dear Wishing I’d Just Given Him a Shotgun Instead in Gunbarrel,

Believe it or not, this may actually be a job for the Division of Wildlife. They deal with this stuff all the time, though usually with easier to handle problems like black bears who’ve developed a taste for ginger snaps.

They’ll probably corner him then hit him with a tranquilizer dart. I know this sounds drastic, but this way no one gets hurt. They’ll undoubtedly confiscate the copy of Photoshop and destroy it. Sorry, but it’s a liability thing.

As to your nephew, I suspect he’ll be relocated to someplace where he can’t do much damage, even if he ever does get his hands on anything more dangerous than TextEdit.

I hope he likes Florida.

Now go make that call before he strikes again.