Should I Call Orkin?

Sep 13, 2010

Dear Dave,

An employee keeps asking me to bike up Flag with him over the lunch hour. My level of fitness could best be described as “lightly above couch potato.” My BMI is 30. I’m afraid I might collapse if I actually biked up Flag. Do you think he’s just trying to help me get in shape in the mode of Sarge the Therapist? or do you think he’s trying to kill me? Or both? What should I do?


Not Sure in the Stadium

Dear Not Sure in the Stadium,

Whenever I deal with an issue like this, I like to back up and get the big picture.

Is this an employee who’s actually worth keeping? I’d bet not, based on the little you’ve told me. In fact, I’ll bet this is one of those peabrains who was accidentally hired due to a minor clerical error, then burrowed in, draped his smelly workout clothes all-the-hell over the place, and never left. And now, much like the state of Texas, you’re stuck with him or her, and have no clue how it ever came to this.

So maybe the problem isn’t really should you or shouldn’t ride a bicycle up Flagstaff… Indeed, it might simply be a matter of cross-checking HR records against the state comptroller’s classified employment archives, pulling a form 223B, filling out the fifteen-page Request for Evaluative Evaluation (REE), obtaining sponsorship of someone from within the Attorney General’s office for an Appraisal of Legitimate Investigative Action (ALIA), then attaching your request to the quarterly HR employment survey. It’s really easy and it only takes about twelve years.

How soon do you retire, by the way?

It’s pitiful I had to help you with this,