Vacationing Where the Sun Don't Shine

Jun 14, 2009

Mold State Fun Fact # 24: New Hampshire is the nation's leading exporter of bark products.

Q: How do you know the Pillsbury Doughboy isn't from New Hampshire?

A: He's too tan.

SB remembers it as if it were only yesterday. The year was 1979 and New Hampshire had just been admitted to the union. He was seven that year, and they'd closed the schools so that the children could celebrate. Steve raced straight home on his Sting Ray bike, anxious to mark the occasion in his blog. Though he had even fewer readers back then, the little tyke was determined to keep his posts current. Some things never change.

Of course, sadly, the next year, Congress realized their mistake - it was Vermont they were after - and New Hampshire soon reverted to its soggy past. Steve remembers the heartache of watching the federal government repossess Interstate 93, one mossy cobble at a time. And when the little burg of Carbuncle Springs, Steve's hometown, tried and failed to sell itself to Canada (for $950 or two working snowmobiles and an 18-inch chainsaw), the grief became as fusty and oppressive as a New England sunrise.

I'm sure these memories and more will come flooding back as Steve drives home this week for a partially-earned vacation.

He had just bolted the mooseguards onto the Subaru the other day when I called him to check in.

"So are you looking forward to your trip, Steve?"

"Of course! I can't wait to dig into my first barbecued marmot. They just don't make it right out here, you know?"

"I'm sure. Hey, do you want me to run the Frenzy while you're gone?"

"You won't screw it up like the last time will you? 'The Frenzy Swimsuit Issue?' What were you thinking?!"

"Hey, I thought I looked pretty darn good, although, in retrospect, the clogs may have been a bad match. I'll try to do better this time. Any special instructions?"

"Yeah, go easy on iSean. And see if you can spring Stauffer for a ride or two. Tell him you think you may have seen half a bottle of Glenlivet sitting on the curb in the summit parking lot. That usually works; he goes like hell."

"Okay. Anything else?"

"Yeah, just don't tell anyone we're going to New Hampshire for vacation. I try to keep embarrassing stuff like that private."

"Sure, trust me."